The 411 On 311

Friday, I had a problem.  And, that problem was attempted murder!

(cue CSI theme song)

In all seriousness, the setup to my problem is as follows: I live on a one-way street.

While driving home from lunch last Friday, I was shocked to see an SUV barreling straight towards me.

As the SUV sped down the wrong way on my one-way street, I kept honking my horn (no reaction from the SUV) as I veered onto a side street and narrowly missed the oncoming car as it sped past me.

Since it was the middle of the day, I threw out the possibility that the driver of the SUV was drunk.

My initial thought, then, was that they somehow missed the one-way signage farther down the street.

After doing a quick inspection, I did indeed notice a tree partially covering one of the many signs.

OK.  So that’s all well and good.  But what do I do with this information?

Well, years ago I read an article in Wired magazine about this thing that Mayor Bloomberg started in New York city; 311 service.

311 is now in most major cities (here is the link to 311 Service In Austin) and one of their uses is that they are an  “information concierge” where citizens can call and speak to someone to help them find the right resources to solve their problem.

On Monday, I dialed 311 and spoke to a representative and told him about my narrow collision with the wrong way SUV and how I thought that one of the one-way signs was partially covered by a tree and that I was looking for “someone” (didn’t know who) to come out and inspect the signs.  The City?  The Police?  I wasn’t sure who does this sort of thing.

He put me on hold for few minutes and came back with some information and told me it would be taken care of and they would contact me and then provided me with a reference number.

Today (Wednesday) I had not heard back from anyone and dialed 311 again.  Since I had the reference number, I gave that to the representative.  While I was a bit upset I didn’t get a call back, I did have that reference number and that made the call pretty easy.  He checked the reference number, checked the status and then assured me someone from the city sign shop (yes, apparently there is such a thing) would call me back later today.

Sure enough, a nice guy from the city sign shop called me back.  He told me they trimmed the tree and also did something else with another one of the signs.

To me, this was pretty awesome news.  It hopefully means that I won’t be seeing any more wrong way drivers and it also makes me happy to know that I was able to make a difference in my neighborhood.  The reality is, my street is pretty dangerous (speeding at 15+ miles over the posted limit and at least one accident a month by my count).  Anything we as a community can do to make it safer, helps.  I’m glad that 311 was able to help out here.

So, I tell you that to tell you this: use 311.  It works.

Dracula 2000, Or Your Pizza Is Free

Lorne Michaels, creator and producer of Saturday Night Live, has a saying: “The show doesn’t go on because it’s ready.  It goes on because it’s 11:30.“

On that note, here’s an article that is quite possibly my favorite thing ever written about the process of movie making.

“Neck & Neck” by Rebecca Ascher-Walsh (Entertainment Weekly) is the story of – what do you when your movie is called “Dracula 2000” and  it absolutely, positively must be delivered before December of 2000?

It’s a fascinating look at the insanity of meeting an immovable deadline while simultaneously trying to put out a quality product.

Hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

This Is How You Do It: Frank (Restaurant, Austin), American Express And Apple

So, after this whole “Intuit thing,” I got to thinking about companies that provide rapid response and provide value to their consumers.

Companies like that do exist.  They are not “dry land.”

Here are three companies that get it right.

Frank (Restaurant, Austin)

In one of my infrequent visits to downtown, I stopped for dinner at a restaurant called, “Frank“  and since I am in the habit of posting reviews to Yelp, I wrote this the following day and I got an almost immediate response from the owner.

Here’s the thing.  One e-mail from the owner isn’t going to immediately turn me into a rabid Frank fan.

But, a great customer experience with the friendly staff, a good hot dog, a fantastic cold root beer, a rapid and polite response from the owner…I hope you see where I’m going with this – by starting on the right foot and keeping the momentum the sum of all of these things are the building blocks that form the basis of increased loyalty by me (the customer).

I’ve since responded to the owner and plan to go back there the next time I’m downtown.  They have made me a a fan, and I’ve told a bunch of people this story (you included).

American Express (AMEX)

Last year, I purchased a one year software subscription and since then the computer with that subscription is not in use anymore.

This past weekend, I noticed on my AMEX statement that the software company automatically billed $60 to my card for another year of support.

I didn’t even bother trying to figure out how or why the charge got on my statement.  One of the reasons I pay the service fee for an AMEX card is that they have people who do that for me.

I say that and I can tell you that it was pretty much this simple:

1. I called AMEX.  A nice phone representative asked me a few questions about the charge and politely put me on hold.
2. He came back about two minutes later and gave me a confirmation code and told me the charge had been removed from my statement.
3. The end.

I spent five, maybe seven, minutes on the phone from dialing to hanging up.

It is well worth my time to pay the service charge on my AMEX.

What do I mean by that?

Well, when I was a kid, my brother’s car was stolen.  At some point they found his car and it was in an impound lot in Arizona.  He got this letter saying that if he didn’t show up by whatever date, they’d sell it at auction.  So I asked my brother, “When are you going to Arizona?“  He said, “It’s not worth my time?“  I said, “What do you mean by that?“  And my brother, in a way only he could, proceeded to break down the mathematics of the cost of his time, the cost of the car, travel…all the variables involved, and after ten minutes or so of some serious math, I was in full agreement with him.  Not worth his time.

So, five minutes and a service charge is easily a better bargain than having to call up the software company and get into a shouting match with them and then going back and forth and around and around for however long it would take to resolve this mess (in fact, I had to cancel a credit card in the past because after seven months they would not remove a charge made to a hotel in a state I hadn’t been to in years  **ugh**).

So, I Twittered about my positive customer experience and wrote, “Why AMEX is worth the $. SW company auto renewed a sub without my authorization. Called AMEX. Charge is gone. #DONE! #TheEnd“

Sure enough, the next day I got a very nice response from @AskAmex, “@NoahGK, Hi, it’s Beth from Amex. Noticed your tweet. Glad to hear issue was rslvd quickly. If you need assistance in the future, tweet us.“

So now, I not only had a great experience with AMEX but I now have someone (Beth and @AskAmex) to contact if things get hairy in the future for whatever reason.

Like I said.  This is how you do it.

Apple Retail Stores

I recently convinced my father to switch from his 28 year run using PCs (he owned the original IBM 5150 PC) to a MacBook Pro.

So far he’s liking it and he opted to purchase the “One On One” to help retrain him and smooth out the transition.

The thing that we have both noticed about the Apple Retail Store employees is that they are highly educated on the products and highly motivated to help customers.

They’ll work to help you as much as they can.  If they don’t know the answer, they try to pass you to someone who can help you.  But they never give up.

When I was on the PC, I used to waste so much time going it alone and Googleing my way to try to solve problems.  I was forced to become an expert.  It was almost like how owners of early automobiles like the Ford Model T had to have mechanical skills to ensure their cars wouldn’t break down.

I joked with my friend Dan that in my first month switching over, I used to stare at my computer a lot not knowing what to do. Literally, since I used to allot time for doing disk defrags, antivirus updates, spyware checks and who knows how many other pointless tasks.

Now, when I have a problem, I write it down and just plan to stop into an Apple Retail Store at some point and ask someone.

Day 2A: Stick A Fork In It, We’re Done

As I was editing and publishing the previous post, Chad (one of the Senior SCM Engineers for the Mac products over at Quicken) sent me a workaround for the updater problem.

@QuickenChels was true to her word.  Someone from the company responded to me (same day, I might add).

The workaround they provided me was 8 steps (took me about two minutes to do) and fixed the problem.

And we’re done.

I don’t want to harp, but as you’ll note in the previous e-mail.  This all could have been avoided.

Intuit has some very sharp and very motivated people.  I’m hoping that this incident helps them to avoid these type of issues in the future.

Day 2: Me, Myself And (Finally) Intuit

When last I left my blog, I had posted my frustration with Intuit (“Intuit Hates Quicken Mac Users (And Puppies)*) and then sent Twitters to @Intuit and @Quicken.

That was yesterday.

This morning, Jeremiah Owayng’s wrote an excellent blog, “How Customer Support Organizations Must Evolve” where he used Intuit as a positive example.

A bit cranky from my “brain dump” on the blog yesterday, I responded to Jeremiah via Twitter and then on his blog about this incident.

That seemed to get some traction with regard to getting people from Intuit on the case.

Within the hour (quicker than that, actually) I got replies from @QuickenJim, @prgully and specifically from @QuickenChels who seems to have taken the charge with putting me in touch with someone who can help me.

When last I left it with her, someone from Intuit was going to respond directly to me.

In the meantime, she put something on their live community (see “QuickenFor Mac 2007 and Snow Leopard“) and she responded in the comments section of my first blog post.

Things are going smoothly, and I await hearing from someone at Intuit to resolve this problem and I will of course do a third blog to discuss how/when this was resolved and provide some of the details as to how Intuit snapped into action.

Here’s the thing though, and I mention this in my response to @QuickenChels’ comment.

It’s frustrating that it had to come to all of this.  The blog.  The Twitter.  The comments.  All of this.  Just to get the original support that I was looking for on Friday.

The individuals who have responded to me today have been relentless and have given me options (like the Live Community) that weren’t discussed by the original technician on Friday.  Had I seen that level of commitment and knowledge on Friday from the original technician, we’d be having a different conversation and I’d have had a more positive experience.

I would like to be clear about something as well.

I was not, nor am I currently, looking for anything more than the level of support that any customer would get when contacting Intuit with the same problem.

I’m not looking for special treatment.  I’m just looking for a solution to my problem and to know that Intuit is concerned with resolving my issue.

They have shown me this now, but that was not there on Friday.

I say that, to say this.  What makes great customer service?

This whole incident reminds me of the Four Season and their use of the “Golden Rule.”

Put simply, the “Golden Rule” and that’s about treating customers and employees the same.  Treating them the way that you would like to be treated.

The best example of this (and it is discussed in the book “Four Seasons: The Story of a Business Philosophy” by Isadore Sharp) is when a customer showed up for a charity event with former President and First Ronald and Lady Nancy Reagan, not knowing the event was a a black tie affair.

The customer was noticeably uncomfortable and a Four Seasons employee overheard him talking with his wife about it.  He asked the customer to come with him and told another employee about this customer not having a tuxedo.

The other employee changed out of the tuxedo he was wearing, got into his street clothes, pressed the tuxedo and gave it to the customer so he could go back in and blend in with the other guests.

The Four Seasons gave this customer the shirt off their back and at the time they didn’t know who this customer was from a whole in the ground.  All they knew is that he needed a tuxedo.  He had a problem and they could solve it for him.

The customer turned out to be the head of A.T. Kearney, and that positive experience made him shift the bulk of his company’s business to the Four Seasons.

When you empower employees at all levels and when they strive to do right by their customers – you get stories like this and you reduce the number of stories that start out like mine.

Stay tuned to “Part 3″ when I do hear from Intuit and we go to the next step… See my “Day 2A” post where the issue has no been resolved…

BTW, it is worth your time to read Jeremiah’s blog post on this topic (and not just because I commented on it) as well as follow him on Twitter.

Intuit Hates Quicken Mac Users (And Puppies)*

* I have no proof that they hate puppies, per say, but it made for a more dramatic headline.

I should clarify the statement that Intuit “hates” Mac users.

To say that Intuit “hates” Mac users is to say that they’re even thinking about them.

Based on my experiences with Intuit, they are clearly not.

My most recent experience with Intuit has left me with the impression that they have little to no regard for their Mac customers at all.

Quicken 2007 For Mac has been one of the most miserable software experiences I’ve ever had, PC or Mac, and last Friday it was made even more frustrating by Intuit’s failure to assist me with the most basic of software problems.

The Problem: one of my credit cards was not downloading into Quicken.

Background: I’ve had the above issue with one of my credit cards not downloading into Quicken for a few weeks, but haven’t had time to sit down and fix it.  Friday, I set aside time to do exactly that.  My first call was to the credit card company and after talking to an extremely polite (and rather sincere) customer support technician, he determined that the “OL-249” error message I was getting was the result of a Quicken problem that has to do with an out-of-date security certificate.  He then provided me with the URL that contained the updater file and instructions and I figured that would be the end of it.

Fair enough.  I thanked him, hung up, read the instructions but was unsuccessful in getting the updater to work.

I then contacted Intuit using the “chat” feature on their website.  I explained how I was getting an error message on their updater and the Intuit customer support technician asked me, “Are you using Snow Leopard?”

“Yes,” I replied (almost knowing what was going to come next).

The technician then proceeded to tell me that this updater did not work on Snow Leopard.

The end.

Seriously.  The end as in that’s all he could tell me.

No work-around.  No ETA on when it would work in Snow Leopard.

See the transcript below.  The conversation just kinda…ended.

Which is fine for him.  But I’m left holding the bag on this thing.  So what next?

Step 1) Blame The Customer?

I admit, this might partially be my fault.  Given Intuit’s miserable track record for supporting the Mac, made evident by the lack of regular updates and the fact that the application is riddled with the most basic of user interface quirks, I should have taken the time to resolve this problem before my Snow Leopard upgrade.

That said, developers smaller than Intuit have had copies of Snow Leopard for quite some time now and most companies have been posting regular updates to their software in anticipation of the mass upgrade of users.  I should note that history has proven that Mac users update to new OS versions en mass and often in record numbers (this version was no different, in fact a few sources were anticipating it to be bigger than Leopard. Ars Technica has those numbers if  you want to dig them up).

That said, Intuit’s “official” response to Snow Leopard is that the Quicken For Mac web page claims support for v10.6 (Snow Leopard) and the next version of Quicken for Mac (which is a rewrite from what I’ve read) is scheduled for February, 2010 (see Intuit Blog).

One would then assume that “support” today for Quicken 2007 on Snow Leopard means “full support” as in, even the updaters work.  One would assume…

Further, since it’s a solid six months before the next version (and not everyone will be updating day of release), I can hardly be the first (or last) person that is going to need to use this updater.

So, nope.  I’m not going to take blame for this problem.

But, so far the only thing Intuit has expressed to me is that they have no desire or interest to help me.  So what’s my next move?

Step 2) Speak Louder

The technician “assisting” me in the chat was powerless to help me and had little to no information on how to help me.  Kinda weak.  He had neither a work-around or an ETA on when this would be resolved.

So, I’ve written up this blog.

I will Twitter @Quicken (and @Intuit) and am prepared to continue to Twitter them until I get a resolution.

Step 3) What Do I Want?

I would like either a work-around to resolve this problem (now), or an acceptable ETA as to when the updater will be fixed to work with Snow Leopard.

By “acceptable,” I’m thinking within the next 30 days or less.

That’s it.  Very simple.  And the type of thing I should have gotten when I contacted their customer support.

Step 4) What I’m Willing To Do In Return?

I will update this blog with any replies I get from Intuit.  I’ll leave the comments open (unless comments become unreasonable) and will try to document this problem through to what I hope is an eventual resolution.

I would like to think that in addition to solving my problem, someone/somewhere at Intuit marketing might want to use the topics discussed in this post to mend the broken relationship between Quicken For Mac and Mac users such as myself.

We shall see what happens next…

Chat Transcript

I have posted the chat transcript below (I have removed the technician’s name because it’s not relevant)

Quicken: Welcome to Quicken chat support. My name is Sehkhomang. Please give me a moment while I review the info you
provided.
Noah: OK.
Quicken:: Hello Noah.
Quicken: I understand your concern and I assure you that I will assist you in the best possible manner.
Noah: Yes.
Quicken: When was the last time you were able to download transactions into the Quicken program without any issue?
Noah: I can still do it for one of my credit cards. The other one that I’m having issue. It was about May 28th or so.
Quicken: Which version of Quicken are you using? Is it the Quicken for Mac or Quicken for windows?
Noah: Quicken For Mac 2007 version.
Quicken: Are you using the new Snow leopard?
Noah: Yes.
Quicken: Noah, I understand your concern and I would like to inform you that we are aware of this issue with the new snow
leopard.
Noah: And?
Noah: Is there a way to fix this with Snow Leopard?
Quicken: As of now we have no solution to fix the issue. My apologies; I am trying my best to help you.
Quicken: Is there anything else that I can help you with today?
Noah: Give me an ETA on when this will be fixed, please.
Quicken: To be honest with you, I am not sure when this will be fixed. Please contact us back after 1 week to check if the
issue were fixed.
Noah: This is ridiculous. It’s bad enough that full support for Snow Leopard isn’t coming until Feb of next year, but how do you not have a fix for this issue when developer editions of Snow Leopard have been available to companies like Intuit for months?
Noah: Please tell your managers that this is unacceptable and I will be writing about how Intuit failed miserably with their
support for their customers.
Quicken: I really appreciate your feedback and I can imagine your frustration.  Had I been in place of you I would have feel the same.
Noah: Fail.

Movie Review: Inglourious Basterds

Rating: A-

Before I even begin to review the film Inglourious Basterds, there are two people I would like to punch in the face; the Universal marketing department and MTV writer Larry Carroll.

To The Universal Marketing Department: I understand why you’d want to market this film as a “WW II action movie.”  It puts butts in seats.  But the reality is that this movie is not that.  It’s a meaningful and thoughtful piece about war and revenge that deserves to be in an art house cinema and not in the film library of PC Danny Butterman.  You might be selling tickets, but it risks a backlash of negative reviews from people who were expecting something different.  It’s also too damn easy.  Nut up and work for a living.

To MTV Writer Larry Carroll: you’re next.  Be a damn professional and think before you put a damn spoiler in your article headline you stupid @$%#!  There are some people who try, very hard, to avoid spoilers.  We can’t do that when you put them in the headline.  *#$%!

So, what about the movie?

Excellent.

Tarantino is three things; a writer of sharp dialogue, a master at pacing and a skillful hand with his camera.

Writer of Sharp Dialogue: Tarantino is known for the way his characters talk, and I love that about his films.  You know you’re watching a Tarantino movie, just like you know you’re watching a David Mamet film.  This movie has his unique flourishes of dialogue, but very carefully placed within the context of the 1940’s.  It sounds like a Tarantino film while at the same time sounding like a WW II period piece.  That, my friend, is a skill.

A Master Of Pacing: Tarantino goes where the story takes him.  It doesn’t matter if that scene is 3 seconds on 13 minutes.  The actors and the film itself serve the story.  There are numerous scenes that are “long” because that’s what the story commands.  They’re both entertaining and they add to the tension of the film.  So they’re not “long” so much as they’re simply “longer.”  To that point, Tarantino takes a page from the TV show LOST, and really squeezes every drop out of his entire cast.  I enjoyed seeing some of the supporting cast members getting as much screen time as Brad Pitt and Diane Kruger (no offense to them, but you get what I mean).  Tarantino has always been good with large casts, and this film allows him to place the pieces on the board and push through his story at the right pace utilizing each of these characters.

A Skillful Hand With His Camera: Tarantino shoots like Kubrick; every shot is well thought out and planned.   He moves the camera.  He uses awkward angles.  Much like how he uses his words and his actors to accelerate his story, he uses the camera in the same way.  It services the story and it adds yet a dimension to the movie as a whole that provides his signature.

This is a great movie.  Like I said above.  It’s thoughtful.  It’s a meaningful film about war and revenge.  It’s funny.  It has action.  It has all the things that other Tarantino films have and it’s everything I enjoy about his filmmaking.

PS I will also say that if you do enjoy this movie, your first thought would be to go and rent The Dirty Dozen or Kelly’s Heroes…which is cool, but you might consider instead to seek out the Paul Verhoeven film Black Book (Zwartboek) and Valkyrie (see my review) instead.  Both are excellent chasers to this film.

Movie Review: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (*sigh*)

Rating: D

I  had been warned.  G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is not a great film.

Terrible?  Maybe (Rotten Tomatoes is tracking it at 38%).  But certainly not great.

But here’s the thing.  In addition to being a “vote with my dollars” type of guy, I like to “judge for myself.”

So, I went this morning and did that.

The verdict?  The performances were good.  The action sequences were good.  The movie as a whole was OK.  I’d probably rate it at a C in terms of being a “summer big budget blockbuster action movie”

But here’s the thing, the name on the marquee says, “G.I. Joe” and as a G.I. Joe film I would rank it as an F (for #fail).

To take a step back for a moment, let’s acknowledge that adaptations are a tricky thing.

Comic book writers talk about separating what is considered “cannon” and what are those things that you can alter and/or adapt.

A good example is Batman.

• Cannon: Batman’s parents are killed in front of him as a child.
• Cannon: Batman does not kill.
• Cannon: He wears a costume with a cape.

Those and a few other things are unalterable.  They’re not up for discussion.  Which is why when you watch Batman Begins, the Nolan Brothers and David Goyer manage to keep the cannon but also introduce altered elements (such as Ra’s  Al Ghul being his sensei / teacher) and together it all works.  It blends seamlessly.  It’s also why most Batman fans (myself included) trust and love the hell out of those guys.

So, that said, it was somewhat encouraging when I read the IMDB trivia for G.I. Joe and it’s littered with references about how they looked to the comic book as source material and even hired writer Larry Hama as a creative consultant.

But here’s the thing.  I read the comic book from issue 1 well into the 100’s (and Special Missions Force and the Yearbooks as well as watching the television show, of course) and I had to look extremely hard to find any “comic book logic” in this film.

This was less of a G.i. Joe film and more of a “generic action movie” that traded on the reputation and name of G.I. Joe.

I don’t want to sound like Comic Book Guy, but I have to point out how far off the page the screenwriters went on this movie.  So far off, that it’s not a G.I. Joe film.  Just saying “…knowing is half the battle.” doesn’t cut it.

Here’s a brief rundown:

• Cannon: Snake-Eyes and Scarlett are a couple.  Period.
• Cannon: Snake-Eyes and Storm Shadow were in the same platoon in Vietnam (or any war for that matter).  They were not orphans at a monastery so that the filmmakers could have a poor excuse to put a scene in the film with kids in it.
• Cannon: Duke is a Master Sergeant (E8 rating according to his file card) and is the leader of missions in the field.  He’s not the rookie.  And speaking of which, Heavy Duty is an E5, not a mission leader.
• Cannon: Ripcord is a HALO paratrooper.  He’s not a “skilled marksman and pilot.”  I have no problem with changing the ethnicity (or gender) of characters when it’s the right fit.  Kingpin in the Daredevil movie.  Starbuck on BSG.  I’m fine with Marlon Wayans playing the character, but I have four questions: 1) Ripcord was never that funny in the comic (or the television series), so why him? (he’d have made a great Shipwreck to be honest)  2) why not Flint?  3) why not Stalker (and then you have a link to Snake-Eyes and Storm Shadow since they were in the same platoon in Vietnam)?  And even more basic then that, 4) what is a guy named “Ripcord” who is a qualified HALO jumper doing in a land-based platoon?
• Cannon: Cover Girl is not a glorified Star Trek secretary asking for Hawk’s signature.  She’s an armory specialist who drives a Wolverine missle tank.  She trained at Ft. Knox for goodness sake.  Give her some f’ing dignity.
• Cannon: The Baroness is not **shudder** Duke’s ex-fiance.  Seriously.  Really?  I think I just threw up in my mouth.

I could go on.  But I won’t bore you.

What I will say is this: it is evident by one single fact that I am about to present that the filmmakers had no intention of making a “G.I. Joe” movie and they were just simply making “a generic action movie” while trading on nostalgia from people such as myself to put butts in seats on opening weekend.

G.I. Joe is made up of mission specialists who have advanced knowledge and skills that are brought in when the situation requires it.

So, if you’re fighting in the Arctic Circle, you’d call in a guy like Snow Job.  Or if you were fighting underwater, you’d get Deep Six and Torpedo (and maybe even Shipwreck).

The whole point of G.I. Joe is that you have mission specialists and they show up at times like this.  So where were any of those mission specialists in this movie?  Seriously!

OK, there was one but let’s be real – I don’t mind having cameos, but if you’re going to have someone train Joes, why not get the real deal, Sgt. Slaughter, and let your buddy do a cameo someplace else.

But here’s the thing.  If you’re going to call the movie “G.I. Joe,” then you have to shoulder the burden of the source material and stay loyal to at least some of the cannon.  If you’re going to make a “generic action movie,” that’s fine.  Just don’t call it G.I. Joe to cash in on name recognition and nostalgia.  Step up.

The sad thing is, this Funny or Die video (The Ballad of G.i. Joe) has more integrity to the source material then the movie did.

Oh and PS, if you’re gonna swipe the gag from Firefox, at least get it right.  It was the whole thing that required the thing.

had been warned.  G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is not a great film.

Terrible?  Maybe.  But certainly not great.

But here’s the thing.  In addition to being a “vote with my dollars” type of guy, I’m like to “judge for myself.”

So, I went this morning and did that.

The verdict?  The performances were good.  The action sequences were good.  The movie as a whole was OK.  I’d probably rate it at a C in terms of being a “summer big budget blockbuster action movie”

But here’s the thing, the name on the marquee says, “G.I. Joe” and as a G.I. Joe film I would rank it as an F (for #fail).

To take a step back for a moment, let’s acknowledge that adaptations are a tricky thing.

Comic book writers talk about separating what is considered “cannon” and what are those things that you can alter and/or adapt.

A good example is Batman.  Batman’s parents are killed in front of him as a child.  Cannon.  Batman does not kill.  Cannon.  He wears a costume with a cape.  Cannon.  Which is why when you watch Batman Begins by the Nolan Brothers and David Goyer, they manage to keep the cannon but also introduce altered elements (such as Ra’s  Al Ghul being his sensei / teacher) and together it all works.

Which is why it was somewhat encouraging when you read the IMDB trivia for G.I. Joe and it’s littered with references about how they looked to the comic book as source material and even hired writer Larry Hama as a creative consultant.

But here’s the thing.  I read the comic book from issue 1 well into 100 (and Special Missions Force and the Yearbooks) and I had to look extremely hard to find any “comic book logic” in this film.

This was less of a G.i. Joe film and more of a “generic action movie” that traded on the reputation and name of G.I. Joe.

I don’t want to sound like Comic Book Guy, but I have to point out how far off the page the screenwriters went on this movie.  So far off, that it’s not a G.I. Joe.  Just saying “…knowing is half the battle.” doesn’t cut it.

Cannon: Snake-Eyes and Scarlett are a couple.  Period.

Cannon: Snake-Eyes and Storm Shadow were in the same platoon in Vietnam (or any war for that matter).  They were not orphans at a monastery so that the filmmakers could have a poor excuse to put a scene in the film with kids in it.

Cannon: Duke is a Master Sergeant (E8 rating according to his file card) and is the leader of missions in the field.  He’s not the rookie.  And speaking of which, Heavy Duty is an E5, not a mission leader.

Cannon: Ripcord is a paratrooper.  He’s not a “skilled marksman and pilot.”  I have no problem with changing the ethnicity (or gender) of characters when it’s the right fit.  Kingpin in the Daredevil movie.  Starbuck on BSG.  But I have three questions: 1) why not Flint?  2) why not Stalker (and then you have a link to Snake-Eyes and Storm Shadow)?  And even more basic then that, 3) what is a guy named “Ripcord” doing in a land-based platoon?

Cannon: Cover Girl is not a glorified Star Trek secretary asking for Hawk’s signature.  She’s an armory specialist who drives a Wolverine missle tank.  She trained at Ft. Knox for goodness sake.  Give her some f’ing dignity.

Cannon: The Baroness is not **shudder** Duke’s ex-fiance.  Seriously.  Really?

I could go on.  But I won’t bore you.

What I will say is this: it is evident by one single fact that I am about to present that the filmmakers had no intention of making a “G.I. Joe” movie (and were just simply making “a generic action movie”).

G.I. Joe is made up of mission specialists who have advanced knowledge and skills that are brought in when the situation requires it.

So, if you’re fighting in the Arctic Circle, you’d call in a guy like Snow Job.  Or if you were fighting underwater, you’d get Deep Six and Torpedo (and maybe even Shipwreck).

The whole point of G.I. Joe is that you have mission specialists and they show up at times like this.  So where were any of those mission specialists in this movie?  One.  I would have settled for one!

Nope.  Not a single one.  Scarlett provided first-aid to Ripcord (Doc).  Heavy Duty gave the briefing on the accelerator suits (don’t even get me started on those stupid things).

OK, there was one but let’s be real – I don’t mind having cameos, but if you’re going to have someone train Joes, why not get the real deal; Sgt. Slaughter.

But here’s the thing.  If you’re going to call the movie “G.I. Joe,” then you have to shoulder the burden of the source material and stay loyal to at least some of the cannon.  If you’re going to make a “generic action movie,” that’s fine.  Just don’t call it G.I. Joe to cash in on name recognition.  Step up.

The sad thing is, this Funny or Die video (The Ballad of G.i. Joe) has more integrity to the source material then the movie did.  http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/076041c13b/the-ballad-of-g-i-joe

Oh and PS, if you’re gonna swipe the gag from Firefox, at least get it right.  It was the whole thing that required the thing.  Not just the one.

Movie Review: District 9

Rating: A

One of my favorite things when I’m watching a movie is the surprise of seeing a vision that is so unique that it screams through the projector as the audience is left breathless and, in my case, waiting anxiously to pick up the phone and call a friend to say, “Dude!  You gotta see this things!”

Reservoir Dogs.  Dead Alive.  Kids.  The Matrix.  Blair Witch Project.  Slumdog Millionaire.

I’m going to include District 9 in that list (and yes, I’m sure I’m forgetting some…but you get the idea).

To say anything about District 9 is to ruin it.

All I can tell you is that it’s called “District 9″ and tickets may or may not be available in your area (more on that shortly).

District 9 is less of a science fiction movie and more of a social statement on race and the things that both unite and divide us as human beings.

The director Neill Blomkamp is from South Africa and any review that fails to point out the obvious references to  apartheid is clearly missing the heart of this movie.

Speaking of heart, if I can continue that metaphor, District 9 works as a film because it has a soul.  At its core, the film is about friendship and it is about family.

If you’re dragging your significant other and they just want to see a bunch of stuff explode and people shooting each other.  This movie has that too.  It’s got great aliens.  Amazing special effects and some awesome battle sequences.  That said, you could take those things out and you’d have an art house movie that’d have the Sundance crowd falling all over itself.

The budget for this movie was $30 million dollars and I will make the same point I made with my review of Doomsday; this movie looks five times as expensive and you can see every single damn penny they spent on this movie on the screen.  No star trailers or catering budgets.  It’s all up on screen in beautiful large explosions.

How much money did Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen cost?  G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra?  Hancock?  I can go on.  The reality is, you don’t need to go into triple digits to make a good movie.  You just have to have a good script and creators who have heart.

There are moments in this film where actor Sharito Copley plays the “everyman” so damn well that you feel for him.

You feel for this man.  I can say the same thing about Christopher Johnson and…well, I won’t say anything else.

The emotions of this film take it from what would have been a humorous “Cops” spoof (or “Troops”) into something that really engages its audience on an intelligent and honest level.

I am hoping that this film is the phenominon that I am seeing here in Austin.

The Alamo Drafthouse (the “geek theater” for Austin) had its last three shows on Friday night sold out.

I saw the movie this morning at 11:05am and there was not an empty seat in the house.  The line for the next showing was out the door and their website continues to cross off online purchasing of future shows as the day  keeps progressing (Deadline Hollywood has a good summary of the opening day).

I am a big believer of voting with your dollars and showing Hollywood what we as consumers want (and don’t want), which is why you should go to see this movie this weekend.

Tell Hollywood that you want to see action movies that are also intelligent like District 9, and not souless pieces of c*** like the big-budget blockbusters they keep shoveling at us (and don’t let the press see).

[Full disclosure is that a friend of mine works at Sony in their marketing department.  I am not in any way associated with Sony, nor has my friend asked me to write a review or do anything to promote the film.  In fact, I don't even think he knows I have a blog.  We were e-mailing on something unrelated and he said that I should check out the film and let him know what I think.  End of disclosure.]

Our iGang: Where I Offer Advice On Filling The Apple Board Of Directors Void

Today, it has been well reported that Eric Scmidt resigned from the Apple Board of Directors (Apple Press Release).

When you look at the primary focus / strategic direction of Apple, retail stores and consumer “lifestyle” computing, Apple has a strong Board of Directors that is pretty evenly distributed.

For retail, there’s Millard Drexler (Chairman and CEO of J. Crew) and Andrea Jung (Chairman and CEO, Avon Products).  It should be noted that Drexler was working at the GAP from 1995 – 2002 (in management, not folding shirts).

For software, they had Google and then there’s Bill Campbell (Chairman and former CEO, Intuit Corp.) who is now left holding the entire load in this category.

Under the category of “smart people” they have Al Gore (former VP and leader of the Vice Presidential Action Rangers) and Arthur D. Levinson, Ph. D. (Chairman of Genentech).

And of course, they got a finance person in Jerry York (Chairman, President and CEO of Harwinton Capital).

This resignation leaves a huge hole in the “software” portion of their board.

Software development architecture is moving towards web-based software services.  Or at the very least, thin client installations that pull data from “the cloud” (like Evernote).

So, outside of Google.  Who has the expertise that can fill this void?

I would offer the following advice:

Go with a “grey hair” working a startup.

A senior-level person who left the “establishment” to start a new venture to take advantage of the changing landscape of computing  (think Microserfs, but 20 years older).

A guy like Jason Calacanis could probably provide a short-list of these type of people.

Speaking of which, adding a senior-level woman wouldn’t be such a bad idea either.

I’d say this is less “advice” and more “find the B movie version of Google” (or if you want to be optimistic about it, the next rock star).

http://www.sonystyle.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/CategoryDisplay?catalogId=10551&storeId=10151&langId=-1&categoryId=3728&N=4294965941